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Rahkim Sabree, a financial therapist and accredited financial counselor from Hartford, Connecticut, worked diligently in his 20s to fulfill his dream of owning a home. At 26, he achieved this goal.
However, his decision was questioned by a financial expert he encountered online, who suggested that buying a home was not a wise choice for young individuals. This expert advocated for renting instead.
“Purchasing a home was a significant and intimidating decision for someone who did not grow up in a house but aspired to homeownership,” says Sabree, now 34. “Having it criticized was disheartening.”
Now, Sabree, along with a new breed of financial experts — many with backgrounds in financial therapy and trauma-informed training — aims to combat online “financial shaming.”
Certain self-proclaimed money experts often make individuals feel embarrassed about their financial choices or situations, resorting to terms like “stupid” or “idiot.”
This kind of inflammatory language can lead people to feel negatively about themselves or even avoid addressing their finances altogether, which does not contribute to improving their financial well-being, according to Shannah Game, host of the “Everyone’s Talkin’ Money” podcast.
Traditional financial advice often fails to address systemic issues that may contribute to individuals’ financial challenges, instead placing blame on them, says Game, a certified financial planner in Asheville, North Carolina. “The language used should be more inclusive and take a gentler approach because everyone’s circumstances are unique.”
Here are some tips to seek financial guidance without feeling ashamed.
Take a personalized approach
David Peters, a tax practitioner and financial advisor in Richmond, Virginia, emphasizes that some financial planning advice is too rigid, which can be discouraging for those who cannot adhere to it.
Peters highlights the 50/30/20 budgeting rule, suggesting that individuals allocate 50% of their after-tax income to needs, 30% to wants, and 20% to savings and debt payments beyond the minimum. However, this formula may not be feasible for everyone, especially those living in expensive cities on modest incomes.
Instead of struggling to follow a strict system that may not align with your situation, Peters recommends creating a budget that suits your needs. Likewise, other common financial rules, such as paying off all debt before saving or maximizing retirement contributions, may not be practical or advisable for individuals with limited budgets.
Peters suggests setting a goal that is appropriate for your unique circumstances. This could involve building an emergency savings fund while addressing credit card debt or starting with a 2% contribution to a retirement account and gradually increasing it over time.
“Don’t fixate on a specific number,” Peters advises. “Simply focus on making continual progress toward your goal.”
Encourage sharing of mistakes
Asking individuals to discuss their financial missteps can lead to more inclusive money conversations, says Game.
“There is a misconception that there should be a level of perfectionism in money matters,” she explains, such as being debt-free or having a flawless credit score.
When individuals fall short of these ideals, they may feel inadequate.
“Let’s promote discussions about money that encompass not only successes but also challenges and difficulties,” Game suggests. This way, people can connect and feel supported, recognizing that nobody is perfect.
Acknowledge progress, not just major milestones
Recognizing small victories, such as saving a modest amount, making an additional debt payment, or sticking to a budget for consecutive months, can boost confidence and alleviate shame.
This approach worked for Olivia Lima, a CFP at Abundo Wealth in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
“When I was working to improve my financial situation, I kept a list of all my financial achievements, no matter how small,” she shares.
These achievements could include making an extra $20 payment on a credit card or handling an unexpected expense.
“On days when you feel demotivated and like you’re making all the wrong moves, you can refer back to that list. It’s incredibly valuable,” she adds.
Embrace positive budgeting
Lima notes that a budgeting method centered on restrictions or limitations can trigger feelings of shame.
She recommends a more positive approach: “It’s not about imposing restrictions but making conscious choices. How do you want to allocate your funds?”
For some individuals, this might mean prioritizing travel, while others focus on home upgrades.
Utilizing visual aids like colorful charts or graphics to monitor spending and saving can make budgeting enjoyable and motivating, rather than a tedious task that evokes negative emotions, she suggests.
Follow supportive financial experts
Today, many financial therapists create content that eliminates shame and guilt from personal finance discussions, according to Sabree.
“I am inspired by many of my colleagues who take a trauma-informed approach to personal finance,” he states. Following such financial experts on social media can help filter out posts that promote shame.
“They reshape the way of thinking,” Sabree explains, offering support and guidance without resorting to making individuals feel inadequate about past decisions or circumstances.
This supportive environment can facilitate making sound decisions moving forward without dredging up negative feelings about the past.
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